


How Dark the Chicken Coop is

by tntfriday13



Category: Ed Edd n Eddy
Genre: Assassin AU, Based off the assassin AU from c2ndy2c1d, C2ndy2c1d, Double-Dee and Ed are in it for friendship, Ed is a cupcake, Eddy wants to rob banks, Everyone pretty much just does what they want, Ghost chickens, Kevin acts tough but is totally a dork too, M/M, Pre-Slash, Rolf is a voodoo sorcerer, Slash, and money
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-04
Updated: 2017-11-03
Packaged: 2018-09-21 22:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9569003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tntfriday13/pseuds/tntfriday13
Summary: After a slightly explosive mishap during one of their average, everyday, bank heists, the Eds are forced to split up and regroup back at their hideout when the coast is clear. Ed is left alone in a dark alleyway with his only source of light being that of a green-glowing chicken.How could he possibly resist following it back to the oddly-placed medieval-looking wooden caravan?Edit: Now with bonus Kevin/Double Dee chapter!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off the Ed Edd n Eddy Assassin AU by C2ndy2c1d. If your interested, check her out on deviantart or tumblr. She is a-maz-ing! 
> 
> Also, the title is lame. I know this. But for some reason I had the intense urge to use a title that was a play on the Matrix's "How deep the rabbit hole goes" line and... yeah. And, once again, this story goes out to all you Rolf/Ed lovers out there who aren't getting nearly enough of this couple!

We begin our story with an explosion.

A very large and exciting explosion that just-so happened to involve the get-away car of the three most wanted gangsters in town.

“Johnny, you idiot!” Eddy yelled as the small mole-like man scurried off down the street. Johnny’s maniacal laughter at the destruction he had caused was a clear indication at how little the _little_ gangster’s insult bothered him.

“Damn it!” The smallest gang-member cursed. He kicked another stick of dynamite (this one, unlit) and jumped back as soon as he realized what it was. He looked angrily at the gang’s doctor/sniper, “You said no one else was coming here!”

Double-D put his hands on his hips, “Well excuse me for not having x-ray vision, Eddy! How was I supposed to know that Johnny had dug his way into the bank?! You and I both know that robbing banks isn’t exactly his modus operandi at this point!”

The civilians screaming around them did little to distract the gang from the real threat to their operation. Thanks to that little twirp Johnny, the time they had to rob everyone had been shorted. It was only a matter of time before the police arrived due to the explosion.

“Whatever,” Eddy grumbled. He twirled his trusty golden gun before pointing it at the nearest employee, “You, go get me as much as your cash as possible in…” Eddy looked at Double-D. The lanky member sighed, “They should be here in approximately 1 minute and 9 seconds.”

“Yeah, so you have that long before we have to leave. And so help you if I find a tracker or paint in there!”

The employee nervously went about filling bank bags with as much cash as he could.

Meanwhile, the taller and stronger member of the group stared out dreamily at their flaming wreckage of a vehicle, “Ask them to get us marshmallows too, guys!”

The employee let out a worried cry, “B-but we don’t have marshmallows here!”

“Keep stuffin’ the bag!” Eddy yelled at the employee. “Ed! Why don’t you do something useful and do whatever Sock Head tells you!”

Ed gave a mock-salute and dutifully tore his gaze away from the oh-so tempting site of the flames. “Okie Dokie, Artichokie!”

The tallest member made his way casually over to Double-Dee.

Said egg-head shifted nervously from foot-to-foot, looking at the doorway of the bank, but giving the taller a nervous smile nonetheless. He pointed toward the wall on the far-side of the room, “We’re going out the back, Ed. There’s an alleyway connecting to that wall that will be the fastest route to our means of escape.”

“Righty-o, Double-Dee!”

Ed went about on his long walk to the other side of the room. A happy smile lit his face in pure innocent joy as he happily tugged at his bazooka strap.

“Alright, people!” Double-Dee exclaimed. He clapped his hands together and gestured to the wall farthest from the one Ed was walking toward, “I’m going to need everyone who deems their life invaluable to relocate from their current position to the one where I’m pointing.” At the lack of response, Double-Dee lifted his gun in the air and shot, he flinched at the loud noise and started again, “Oh dear… well, you heard me, everyone! You either move this instant or suffer the consequences!”

Finally taking the hint, everyone moved to their new spot along the wall farthest from the tallest member of the gang.

Ed’s ominous delightful laughter grabbed everyone’s attention and they squirmed to see what the tallest member was up to.

Ed reached behind himself to sling the bazooka around in front of him.

He aimed the front of it toward Double-Dee’s wall of choice.

“Remember to stand a safe distance away this time, Ed!” Double-Dee’s voice warned from the safety of the other side of the room.

Ed gave him a happy thumbs-up in response. “Don’t you worry, Double-Dee! I’ve been practicing.”

“…practicing?”

_BOOOOOOOOM!!!!_

The explosion rocked the building, employees and customers of the bank screaming in fear as pieces from the ceiling fell around them in a great cloud of dust.

_Whee-Whoo! Whee-Whoo!! Whee-Whoo!!!_

“Crap!” Eddy exclaimed. He coughed up some of the dust from his lungs and snatched the half-filled bag out from the bank employee’s slack grip. “Time to bail, boys!”

Eddy was the first one out through the hole, while Double-Dee had to stop and grab Ed. The smartest of the crew brushed off some of the soot from Ed’s jacket before grabbing his sleeve and pulling the dazed and giggling taller man out through the hole to follow after their shorter friend.

The taller laughed through all of this. The three Eds ran through the darkened alleyway, searching for their back-up route to their hideout. Ed’s laughing only subsided a little bit once a bullet whizzed past his shoulder.

“Hi, Kevin!” The taller shouted in delight.

“Kevin!?” Both Double-Dee and Eddy exclaimed.

Another shot rang out, this time it managed to nick Eddy’s ear.

“ _Shit_! What the hell is your boyfriend doing here, sockhead!?”

They continued to run. Stopping at this point would only make them sitting targets.

“He’s hardly my boyfriend!” Double-Dee panted. The blush on his cheeks was either a sign that his statement wasn’t as true as he wanted them to believe or that he really needed to start working out. “H-He’s most likely engaged in a contract with the local police department of this district,” he panted, “And right now the police want him to deal with _us_.”

“That no good son of a—“

Another shot.

“ _Wow_ is his aim lousy!”

“Surely you realize he’s missing on purpose?”

“Oh you would defend your boyfriend, wouldn’t you?!”

“He’s not my boyfriend!”

_BAM!_

“That was kind of close, guys!” Ed shouted.

“Agreed,” Double-Dee stated, “We’re going to have to split up. We should go with our default plan”

“Yeah, sure. The back-up plan for the back-up plan.” Eddy hastily agreed as he tried to keep his head down. He looked over to Ed, “Do you remember the default plan, lug-head?”

“Not a clue, Eddy!”

“Of course you don’t,” The smaller scoffed in aggravation. “Don’t go to the hideout until the coast is clear, you got that!? Stay somewhere else tonight until you get a call from _both_ of us saying that it’s okay to come back.”

“Got it, Eddy!”

“You better,” The smallest growled. They were headed to a divide in the alleyway.

“Let’s do this!”

\---

Fast-forward a few minutes, and Ed found himself alone.

It wasn’t exactly his favorite position to be in. He and his friends were usually always together, just like they had been when they were kids. The only time Ed really got to be alone was when he held himself up in his room for days at a time in order to watch monster movies and read comic books. But, even then, he would still get to see his friends whenever he would leave to use the restroom or when one of them snuck him in a snack.

But now he couldn’t go back to the hideout… so he couldn’t spend his time alone watching his movies or reading his comic books. All of a sudden Ed realized where he was: alone, in a dark scary alleyway that he had never seen before. The sun was setting and he could hear noises echoing around him. Visions of zombies lurking their way toward him ran through his mind as he held onto the strap of his bazooka as if it were his very own security blanket.

He would have to find a box or something to sleep in tonight.

His eyes strained in the dimming light to see if there was anything he could use. That’s when he happened to notice a faint green tint illuminating the corner of the alleyway.

It was obviously the light emitting from the ray gun of a brain-sucking Globitonian alien bent on world annihilation, but Ed couldn’t run now. He put on his bravest face and marched toward the light. No alien mutant from another galaxy was going to eat all of his food, destroy everything he’s ever loved, and then sing cumbia by a bonfire kindled with the burning remains of his movies and comic books!

He gripped his bazooka strap tighter with anticipation as he neared the corner.

When he finally got his courage, Ed jumped around the corner to confront the aliens as necessary, ready to sling his weapon back out in front of him at the slightest provocation.

“You’re end is here, teenage mutant alien garbage from another dimension!” He yelled at the top of his lungs.

_“Bawk-bawk?”_

A… chicken?

Ed immediately released the strap of his weapon in favor of throwing his arms into the air. His terror instantly melted as he let out an absolutely elated,

 “Chicken!!”

The enthusiastic yell echoed down the alley, making the entire scene more eerie than anything.  

Especially considering the chicken’s actual appearance.

Said chicken was green, glowing, and floating with a wisp of green smoke trailing lazily behind it, but Ed couldn’t see that at the moment. He saw the ghostly figure of a chicken, a bawking-chicken, and ran right up to it to give it the tightest hug it would ever hope to receive in its entire existence. However, when Ed’s arms came to enwrap the feathery creature, they only managed to hug their owner. Ed tried again with the same result.

Maybe he could at least _pet_ the chicken?

He tried to, but to no avail. His hand went right through the green ghost. 

_“Why, chicken!?_ ” Ed cried. “I just want to love you, and feed you, and pet you, and cuddle you forever!”

_“Bawk-Baaaaawk!”_ The apparition cried in response.

Ed tried to reach for it again, but the ghost quickly turned away. It’s ghostly green trail curling like smoke in its wake as the chicken floated quickly down the alley. Ed ran after it, of course, his arms extended as though the chicken would change its mind about wanting a hug.

The ghostly animal lead Ed down the alleyway to a more open space between buildings. It was large for a place so hidden from the public. There were no doors or windows from the buildings around them that could lead the residents to this area. And there only appeared to be the one alley in which one could find them in this location. Ed had to smash his way through a wooden-door that had been built directly into the alley in order to get to this area as well. As he followed the chicken to the lonely caravan seated perfectly in the middle of the space surrounded by crops, Ed didn’t even happen to think that this place might actually be someone’s home.

Not that that would have stopped him from chasing after a chicken anyway.

He practically slammed open the door to the medieval-looking caravan in his haste to catch the illusive ghost fowl.

“Here, chicken-chicken,” He called out to the darkness.

He attempted to walk deeper into the home, but tripped on something and landed face-first into the hard wood below.

“Ow,” he commented. He couldn’t see anything, not even the green glow of the chicken from within the semi small space.

And in an instant, Ed found himself being blinded by an over-head light and an intense pressure against his throat.

“You are either a very brave fool or a very ignorant fool to barge into the home of a son of a shepherd!”

The first thing Ed noticed as his eyes adjusted to the new surroundings was the golden chicken head pressed against his neck. In a strained voice due to the pressure, he excitedly exclaimed, “Cool.”

Ed attempted to grab the golden head, but found both of his hands being weighed down by heavy tan boots.

“Ow.”

Surprisingly, Ed was unable to get up from the floor. Being the strongest member of his gang, as well as being stronger than pretty much everyone he’s ever met, Ed was more than a little surprised that he was actually being restrained at that moment.

“Let me ask you a question, fool,” the accented voice above him harshly whispered. Ed looked at the man pinning him to the floor. Upon closer inspection, the man looked like he had just been woken up from a nap. His blue hair was rustled from where it wasn’t tied back into a loose braid, his eyes were tired (as well as angry), while he only wore a pair of black pants and the yellow boots that were currently busy keeping Ed’s arms glued to the floor. The guy was also _ripped_. Well, of course he would have to be in order to actually restrain Ed (even though Ed himself wasn’t very muscular), but the man standing over him had abs like _damn_.

Not that Ed noticed much. He was too busy trying to get air into his lungs.

The man leaned down, his angry gaze practically boring a hole in Ed’s eyes. “Why have you intruded upon Rolf’s home?”

The man lent up on the pressure of his golden chicken-headed cane to Ed’s throat in order to allow the other to respond. “Chickens, Rolf!”

The man’s eyes immediately widened and a confused expression took the place of his previous furious one. “Chickens?” He muttered in confusion.

The man looked up from the Ed boy to the ghostly green haze of the ghost chicken. Said specter clucked idly as it floated nearby.

“You are after Rolf’s chickens?”

The chicken floated nearby the downed man, pecking near his hands. Ed bit his lip as he tried to reach for it with his pinned arm. “I just want to pet the chicken, Rolf!”

Rolf removed his boots from Ed’s arms and his cane from Ed’s neck. However, before Ed could make a break for the chicken, he was hauled up by his shoulders to stand face-to-face with the blue-haired man before him. The man gave him a once-over, the eye not covered by his eyepatch seeming to examine every inch of Ed, before pulling Ed close and practically _inhaling_ him. Ed blushed at the closeness that lasted for only a second before he was being pulled away again.

“You smell of high explosives, building residue, and cheap cologne.”

“That last one might be from Eddy,” Ed chuckled. His short friend always wore such strong smelling stuff, it was bound to get caught on the other members when they shared a house, car, and pretty much hung out with each other all the time.

Rolf’s eyes narrowed, “Is that who you work for?”

“He’s my best friend, Rolf! Me, Double-Dee, and Eddy do everything together!” He happily exclaimed.

“So your accomplices are on Rolf’s property too!”

Ed’s face instantly fell. His happy expression now replaced with one of sadness and uncertainty, “Nope, it’s just me until I can go home.”

“Then why don’t you just go home now?” Rolf set him down and pushed him gently toward the caravan exit. “Leave this place and never return, and Rolf will have no problems with you.”

Ed rubbed the side of his arm uncomfortably and his gaze strayed to the ghost chicken, “But I didn’t get to pet the chicken… and I can’t go home until they call me to tell me it’s okay…”

“What do you mean?”

Ed explained everything, and eventually he found himself swinging back and forth on a hammock while Rolf went about his business.

“Rolf has seen the one you call Kevin before. The red ranger’s bullets are most distracting when Rolf is trying to make more of his brews.” The blue-haired man set down a bunch of ingredients on the table in front of him before speaking once more. “So you are looking for a place to stay are you, Ed-boy?”

“That’s the pre-dicament I have found myself in, Rolf! I was hoping that I could find a really cool box to sleep in tonight. Maybe someone bought a trampoline or something recently, and then I would have a really big box to sleep in!”

“Nonsense! There are no trampolines in the city, and Rolf has a perfectly good hammock. You will sleep here tonight.”

By now Ed had managed to win over the ghostly chicken. Its green ethereal appearance surrounded him in fondness as Ed set his weapons on the floor below him. “Thanks, Rolf!” Ed then looked around the caravan and noticed that there was only one hammock, “But where are you going to sleep?”

“Rolf does most of his work at night when the spirits are more awake and willing to listen. Rolf has much work to do if he is going to get everything ready for his family reunion.”

“Your family’s coming?” Ed said happily, “Do they have ghost chickens too?!”

Rolf smiled, “Indeed, Ed-boy! Rolf’s family has a large assortment of apparition livestock whose souls have been trapped in the mortal realm within Rolf’s family for generations!”

“Really?!”

“Rolf would not lie! In fact…” Rolf ventured off to grab his golden chicken cane once more. He gave Ed a sly look as he twirled it around a few times, releasing green smoke into the air. Ed watched in awe as the swirling clouds spun out from the cane and rose higher into the air. It was pretty cool, but then it got even cooler because, in an instant, something _amazing_ happened.

_“Bawk, bawk, bawk!”_

**_Two_** more ghost chickens appeared.

Ed’s eyes widened in sheer joy, he bit his lip and tiny pinpricks of tears poked out from the corner of his eyes as he excitedly exclaimed, “Chickens!”

Rolf laughed as his ghostly poultry flew over to the Ed-boy to join their fellow ghost chicken beside him. They spun around the man on the hammock while Ed laughed and tried to pet them.

“You know, Ed-boy, Rolf has even more chickens and other farm animals with which he can summon upon request. And…” He paused and scratched the back of his neck, “If you would like to meet Rolf’s family, you could see even more—“

“Can I come to your family reunion, Rolf? Can I? Please!”

“Anyone with an appreciation for ghostly livestock such as yourself is more than welcome to intrude upon the family gathering of a son of a shephard!”

“Wow,” Ed said with a happy yawn. The ghostly chickens snuggled up to him as he lied back on the hammock. “Thanks, Rolf.”

Rolf smiled again as he watched the Ed-boy drift off to sleep. In only the short amount of time that he had been in the same company with the other, he had smiled more than he had in the past week.

Preparing for his family reunion was always so hard on him.

He looked back over to Ed and his ghost chickens.

It would be nice to have someone else accompany him.


	2. How Fast You Run Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I've been meaning to finish this for a while now, and it's finally done! I hope all you Kevin/Double Dee shippers out there can get a bit of your fix from this. ;)

Double Dee ran as fast as his legs could carry him down the darkening alley way. He had stopped hearing gunfire a while ago – a sign that Kevin either chose to follow Ed or Eddy, or he was following Double Dee in secret. It was too risky to assume that Kevin’s natural hatred of Eddy would lead the red-head to chase after the shortest of the gang, so Double Dee continued to run as fast as he could.

Hopefully everything would be okay.

His lungs burned and he began to wheeze as he finally made it out of the system of alleys and onto the concrete sidewalks of the city. As the intense neon lights of the city illuminated him form, Double Dee realized that he was dressed entirely too fancy for the average person not to take notice and surely recognize him as one of the Ed-Gang members. He could see that he was already getting some unwanted attention as tourists gave him odd looks. They must not have known who he was because he could see them begin to approach with cameras at the ready. It would be all-too easy for a more knowledgeable person to figure out who he was at this rate.

Not wanting to draw any more attention to himself, Double Dee made a beeline for the nearest building – dashing behind it and out of the public eye. 

_Stupid, stupid, stupid_ , Double Dee chanted to himself as he began removing his suit and hat. Underneath his gangster attire was a set of average clothes – all three members wore civilian clothes underneath their more formal outfits as a way to quickly blend into crowds during periods where it proved useful. But it made everything so much hotter! Add in the fact that it was the summer months and he had just been running for his life, and you can pretty much guess that his civilian clothes were soaked with sweat at this point.

“Ugh, disgusting,” Double Dee stated as he pulled on the collar of his red T-shirt. 

“I don’t know, I kind of like seeing you like this.”

Double Dee dropped his suit in surprise at the voice, and looked up at the roof of the building.

“Kevin!” He exclaimed as the Red Ranger himself peered down at him from above. 

Why did the Red Ranger have to tail him today of all days!?

Kevin smirked at the response, and leapt down from the roof to stand in front of the smartest of the Ed-Gang. 

“So what’s a dork like you doing in a place like this?”

Double Dee struggled for the right words as the Red Ranger approached.

There was nowhere to go.

Edd gave the masked hero a nervous smile as his hand discretely moved to his back pocket to feel for his pistol.

Kevin backing him up against the building, however, made his hand freeze.

“Trying to get your gun?” Kevin mockingly asked. “I’m hurt, Double dork. Like I would really try to hurt you. Besides…” Kevin reached to his gun holster and pulled out his magnum, holding it up to Double Dee’s cheek and grinning, “Mine’s bigger.”

Double Dee’s knees trembled, and his heart raced.

“This town’s paying me a lot of money to bring you dorks in, but I’m feeling a bit generous today so I can let you off with a warning.” Kevin holstered his gun, but leaned closer to the man, his elbow resting against the wall beside Edd’s head. “That is, if you let me take you out to dinner.”

Double Dee’s face went blank and he cocked his head in confusion, “W-what?”

Kevin’s face was still set in it’s cocky smirk, but Double Dee could clearly see a bead of sweat trail down the side of his face as he replied, “Dinner. You. Me. Maybe to… I dunno that fast food place down the street? I brought a change of clothes myself so… it’s not that big a deal.”

Double Dee smiled and reached out to grab ahold of Kevin’s free hand, “That sounds nice.”

Kevin’s smirk melted into his own smile, “Rad.”


End file.
